How Hermione Became Catwoman
by chardi
Summary: Finally after est. 45 months, the story is complete! Read on...you know you want to...anyways, summary: Hermione turns into Catwoman after a drastic event involving cats, and hula dances, and the OSA


Finally, after more than two months of being a dormant author and developing this fanfic, I have resurfaced with a more meaty story….well, maybe, catty.

* * *

Disclaimer: Fanfiction. Not for profit. Too poor. Not worth suing. No infringement intended.I am but human, I am flawed.

* * *

Now, as all Harry Potter fans know, in the second installment of Harry Potter, Hermione was turned into a hind leg walkin' black cat, with—bushy brown hair. But of course, all was restored to normal by Bucktooth Hermione's Fairy Godmother, Madame Poppy Pomfrey. You think it ends there. Well sorry, my dear avid readers, NOT! You see, after Hermione went out of the hospital wing, furless, de-tailed, de-whiskered, and cat-ear free, she still retained, umm, let's say, a neko-like attitude. (For those who don't know, a neko, as described in the manga jargon, is a cat-girl, with a very, rrrrrrrrrr! attitude, meaning, catty. Further explanation. Catty: naughty, seductive, sneaky, cheeky, and most of all, flattered by the simplest adjectives people give them.) Now, it never did show up. It was dormant in Hermione's subconscious, waiting for the right time to bubble up. All through-out her seven years of stay in the institute, she remained a normal little Muggle, having to put up with the utter stupidity of Ron Weasley, the blandness of everyone in the common room, and most especially the jeers and sneers from the Slytherins. Spite was in fact her favorite term when it came to describing Draco Malfoy. 

Then the unexpected came. The Dark Lord was defeated. wheee! Rumors passed from mouth to mouth that he died because his corset was too tight. Or maybe it was because he didn't like the color (they said it was a darker shade of pink when he wanted it to be baby pink) and therefore suffered a heart attack.

* * *

Author: What the!? Who put that in there? 

Other side of author: Ooh, ooh, I did, I did!! (jumps up and down, waving hands frantically)

Author: (slaps forehead)Ugh, for Christ's sake…change it. It's supposed to be in our other story…

OSA: No I won't. (sticks out tongue and crosses arms)

Author: God, this is useless. Back to the story, fercryinoutloud!

OSA: Fine. (walks out with "I am a lewzer" on back; audience blinks and sniggers)

* * *

Anyway, so let's say he died because of the reasons my other side made up, so Hermione, being content that the tormenting evil on wizard life was over, decided to go back to the Muggle world, after a lot of futile persuasions, mostly from the Weasley family, to stay. Harry just practically gave up on the thought that she would really love life as a witch. So Hermione returned to her family, pursued criminology as her major (didn't see that one coming eh?) and graduated a happy girl, having almost everything she wanted. A few months later, the job hunt was on. Newpapers, ads, billboards, she read thoroughly applying for each and every one of them. No luck, so she settled for a part time job. She became a sales clerk, having had experience of tending to the office of her parents, assisting them whenever needed. She was a sales clerk for (whaddaya know?) a pet shop. Somehow, she got to stay a little bit longer than was her target date, because she got attached to (whadaya know again?) the cats in the store. But everything changed on one night….

* * *

OSA: Excuse me…(bump) Oh, heads up! 

Author: What are you doing here again!!!

OSA: I'm watching, (munches on popcorn, sips on cola) the climax of yer, wait, our story…(turns to speak with random character) Ooh, this is thrilling isn't it?

Author: Wait, our story? This is my story for pete's sake!! (throws hands up in exasperation)

OSA: FYI, you would have gotten stumped if I didn't give you a reason for why Lord Voldy died…

Author: Fine. OUR story…back to the STORY!!!

* * *

She discovered that the owner of the pet shop also ran a black market under his premises. Drug dealers, illegal idiots, and other related mafia were there, gambling everything they owned. Hermione peered through a crack in fear, but her curiosity got the better of her. The owner stood behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She tried to scream but the owner muffled her and a series of movements followed. So to cut it short, she was (gasp) raped and left to die on the shop.

* * *

OSA: (bawls; sniffles) Why?! Why?! (tugs on hem of author's shirt) 

Author: Just shush will yah! A lot of people are leaving.

OSA: Really? Where? (composes himself)

Author: (slaps hand on forehead) No more nickels in bottles for you, mister.

OSA: WHAT!?! (stands up and sits down) Why? (lip trembles)

Author: It's got you hooked.

OSA: Fine, I'll just watch RENT.

Author: After the story.

OSA: K. Fine. Whatever. (folds arms and slouches on movie seat)

* * *

As Hermione lay there gasping for air, a cat came up to her and licked her forehead. A sudden feeling came over her and temporarily eased the pain. Then, all the cats came to her and formed a circle and danced a tribal dance (ala "lemurs in Madagascar" style). Then the cat that licked her came up to Hermione and it kissed her in the mouth.

* * *

Author: WTF?! You scratch that part you horny idiot! 

OSA: I am so not horny! I don't have horns!

Author: Oh so you don't have horns do yah! (picks up super giant mallet and whacks OSA smack dab in the middle of the forehead)

OSA: (dazed)

Author: Now you have one. (laughs as red bump grows as tall as a meter stick) Please don't mind the kiss part, I'll just turn that into something useful.

* * *

As the cat placed its lips on Hermione's, it became a gaseous being and went inside Hermione's half-open mouth. what did I tell yeh? All of a sudden Hermione woke up, feeling an adrenaline rush. Quickly she got out her wand and gave herself a makeover, shorter hair, full lips and everything feline-y. A costume was made, and the wand turned itself to a whip, Hermione lashing it around as she proceeded to beat up the guys downstairs. She resurfaced and went out of the pet store and stood on a rooftop, surveying any thugs that needed a lesson. She became known as Catwoman, the feline crime fighter.

* * *

Hermione: Wait, wait, wait. So basically, you're saying that I became Catwoman?

Author: Yes. You have been turned into Catwoman. But since this is fanfiction, I can assure you that—

H: As in, Halle Berry-Catwoman? (despair)

A: Uh, no, wait. (motions to OSA) could you give us a minute?

OSA: What? I just started to put RENT in the player…

A: Hermione here, did she become Halle Berry-Catwoman, or Catwoman-Catwoman?

OSA: Wait…let me think. (thinks and starts to drool)

A: (slaps hand on forehead) No use. (turns to Hermione) Um, basically, Catwoman, isn't just Halle Berry, because as far as I have done my research, there were quite a number of women that became Catwoman. There was the original, the daughter of the original, Halle Berry, and now—you.

H: Oh, because you know, I really don't like portraying a character that sucked, big-time. Not just red carpet big-time, but box-office big-time, you know?

Halle Berry: Oh, so is that so? (miaows and changes into sexy Catwoman costume)

H: Bring it on, beyotch! (hisses and waves whip around, latching on to OSA's neck, therefore, waving OSA around the room)

OSA: URRK!

(cat fight ensues)

OSA (now with a horn and turning around room): Basically the author did this to me, for the fun of sadism. The story is finished. Can we now watch RENT? And--(picks up megaphone and wails) HELP ME!!

Author: Yes, I suppose so. (clicks remote on; RENT music plays) (shoots the two women dead)

OSA: (quickly runs to couch; implants himself on couch) The author is not responsible for the aftercare of what happened in the set. Now leave us be.

Hermione and Halle Berry: (rot on floor; surrounded by flies and scavengers)

OSA and Author: (singing out tonight) Let's go Ah-wooot tonight, I have to go Ah-wooot tonight; You wanna play, let's run away; We won't be back before it's New Years Daaaeeiiii! Take me out tonight…


End file.
